Dance Me Free

It wasn’t just feminine energy that I had misunderstood before my dancing days. Dance taught me that masculine energy is far from the forceful, aggressive, controlling, abrupt, and lacking of emotions type of behaviour I had witnessed in some aspects of culture, society, or surroundings.

I had even seen masculinity depicted in some men in my family, circle of friends, or social media as someone who dictates how the women should behave, dress, speak, or not speak. And there seemed to be this air of expecting women to pick up after the men, devaluing their very important role in a partnership, and almost mocking women for their sensitivity. I had come to associate masculinity with the one who calls the shots, including patronizing women for being vulnerable, as if it was a weakness.

What I didn’t realize was that I was actually witnessing wounded masculine energy that was coming from fear, scarcity mindsets, and trying to have control in order to hide underlying insecurities.

Many of the men around me had been taught that to be manly meant that they had to appear tough, disconnected from their emotions, and that this would keep them and their families safe and protective. That this made them good leaders of their household, and that the men’s opinions somehow held more weight than any woman who might be overridden by irrational emotions.

But as I was dancing more, I was learning how a good lead actually doesn’t need to push or pull or force or control. That actually, if he used his own body to open up a space and invite the follow to move in a particular direction, the follow can’t help but to want to go there. That she not only would feel safe to do so, but actually inspired by that true, masculine energy. And that a masculine energy partner actually gets inspired by feminine flow and her attunement to her emotions.

I learned that a good lead doesn’t cut off his emotions or senses to be strong, but actually uses them to feel into what the follow needs. Dance taught me that a good lead doesn’t just lead his follow, he follows his follow. That leading is not devoid of gentleness or compassion. It actually is very connected to emotions and is stable and can be counted on BECAUSE a good leader values how the follow feels, and he himself is connected to his own feelings, rather than pushing them aside as weak.

He listens to where his partner is- in her level, what makes her comfortable, how her body responds. He takes into account what she needs, and shows her that he is listening and tuned into his own senses to be able to hear her needs. That a good lead is intentional, direct, and strong because of this.

There were often dancers, “leads” who maybe from afar looked like they were good dancers. But when I actually had the opportunity to dance with them, they didn’t care about what made me feel comfortable and were forcing me to move into a certain place, and really made the dance all about them. Some even used their position as a dance instructor, or a more experienced dancer, or even the fact that they were classified as “leaders” to manipulate women into putting up with their macho, aggressive behaviour.

The more I danced, the more I was picking up which leads actually had the strong, healthy masculine energy that made each dance feel good, made dancing enjoyable. They gave the follow space to feel safe, taken cared of and free because they respected femininity rather than looking down on it. They also, even if just subconsciously, understood that the polarity between masculine and feminine was needed to create a balanced, fluid, dance.

When I was with a lead who understood that his role was not devoid of sensitivity but very connected to his senses, I got a chance to play, to let go, to respond with fluidity and trust. I felt his frame was strong, and supportive, but also adaptive, not pushy or controlling. And this made me feel respected and able to show up more fully in my feminine softness.

I learned how to be an active follow, not passive. To be responsive and tuned into my body so that I could feel when a lead gave me an invitation, or a a prep, or even a breath to move in a particular direction.

This polarity between masculine and feminine- honouring the soft and deep, as well as the decisive and direct, is what keeps the connection and passion alive in dance, and in life.

If one partner’s feminine energy is being squashed because her masculine energy partner is not giving her the safety, comfort, respect, or space she needs, she cannot feel free to play, intuit and let go. Instead, she becomes rigid, closed off and might feel the need to do more in terms of protecting herself, rather than trusting.

And if the lead is feeling that his feminine energy partner is not trusting him enough to do his part, or is trying to do too much and not allowing him to take on his lead role, or if she is just passively following without responding to his invitations, the energy between them halts. The momentum stops. It feels more like a struggle than a dance. It is exhausting, rather than enjoyable and fluid.

In every dance lesson, we always came back to the connection- providing tension between each other so that we had something to push off of, or to feel our partner’s weight, or to have the opposing energy to know where our partner is. Although this may have seemed just like a technical detail in how to set up a turn, or how to know which leg your partner is on, or to give your partner a signal, it was actually more than that.

It was also practising creating the polarity between masculine and feminine energy that is needed to keep the passion, space, momentum and interest alive.

It’s what makes a dance look dynamic and effortless. I was also to learn that it also gives off the dance floor relationships the fire and flow they need to sustain themselves.

I have watched so many couples around me, and even experienced it myself, lose that spark between them thinking that that’s just what happens over time. That relationships eventually must die off, or become less fun or romantic. We even have a phrase for this- that the honeymeoon period cannot last.

But if we all recognized what dance taught me- that the polarity between the masculine and feminine is what actually maintains a thriving, loving, passionate relationship, we might approach relationships differently. We might choose partners who are more actually in their healthy feminine or masculine, or we could work on our own wounded energies to get back to a healthy state to draw in a healthy partnership.

We might also see that perhaps we are shutting down our partner’s ability to show up in their masculine or feminine energy, because we have been doing too much, or not honouring who they really are. And crossing over the boundaries between our polarities.

It’s amazing what can happen once this awareness sets in. It’s amazing what kinds of dances and relationships we can experience when we know how to revitalize our masculine or feminine energies, or to realize we were shutting out that energy that really wanted to be free.

Dance helped me see when I was choosing partners who were not honouring my feminine energy, or when I was overstepping into my masculine energy too much, not trusting my partner would show up in his. Dance made me step back and connect not just to my feminine energy but also to really honour the masculine energy partners around me.

And this has made all the difference in the passion, pleasure, aliveness, and enjoyment of every dance, of every connection.