Dance Me Free

“These mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.”

~ Najwa Zebian

What if we chose all this before we came here? I mean, ALL of it.

Everything that we are going through right now, all that we complain about, get excited about, get scared of- what if all of it was actually our choice before we came here?

What if I chose the mom I had in this lifetime? My mom is the epitome of mothers to me. She loved and continues to love me unconditionally, making it very clear by the way she treated me and by her actions that she didn’t need me to do anything or be anything or have any particular degree, job, relationship or mindset to be loved. She made made feel loved just for being me. What if I chose her!

What if I chose the father I had, including not having much of a relationship with him? What if, before I came into this lifetime, I was the one who chose not to find out until just before the end of his life that he didn’t know his parents? That he had no adults raising him? What if, even though he wasn’t around for me, my brother or my mom, I chose exactly that dynamic to be a part of to appreciate my mom’s ability to show up as both mother and father for us, and to learn compassion and forgiveness for my father? What if I chose this in order to teach me what kind of partner I wanted, and didn’t want, in my life?

I’ve spent the last nine years feeling guilty for not doing as much as I wish I had done for my mom, that she didn’t have someone to give to her as much as she gave to everyone else. She gave and gave and gave, even when she had very little, and it was beautiful to witness. But I often also watched her focus so much on others and forget about herself. Maybe I needed to experience that in order to learn how to give to myself. What if, instead of feeling bad for my mom, I could thank her for being so selfless, while also teaching me the importance of being a little more selfish?

What if, before I came into this life, I chose to be more selfish, to end the ancestral patterning of women in my family who sacrificed so much – including their dreams and needs- for everyone else?

What if, before I came into this life, I chose to not show up as courageously as I wish had for my mom in order to learn how complicated life can actually be, and to learn self-forgiveness? What if I chose to experience this to understand the profound power of a loving mom’s ability to forgive, and to learn how blessed I was? To be one of the first women I know of in my family line to allow themselves to receive that much love?

What if, before I came into this lifetime, I chose to be in shock over my mom’s passing, without a goodbye, in order to form a stronger belief in soul connections? What if we chose to not have a goodbye in order to find ways to continue to connect beyond time and space, beyond things and regrets, through our everlasting love and spirit?

Maybe, before I came here, I chose not to have my own kids in order to focus on myself this time around? What if I chose to be a teacher, before coming into this life, in order to still have the refreshing mindset of children around me without needing to bear my own children? What if I chose to have two beautiful nieces to continue to have children to give to, but to also remind me to tap into the child in me more more deeply rather than put everything into my own children?

What if, before coming into this life, I chose not to be a mom to remind myself that being a woman is not contingent on birthing a child? What if there were other legacies I wanted to birth instead? Like writing books, and songs, and expressing through dance and my body? To inspire kids who had other parents to live more fully, fiercely and never give up on their passions?

What if I wanted to honor the sacral chakra’s ability to connect to our sensuality, pleasure and body unashamedly? What if I wanted to break the ancestral wounds that said a woman’s womb was only in service of others- her husband, her community, and in making sure she continued their lineage?

What if I wanted to create a new lineage energetically, that allowed women to reclaim their divine feminine birthright and tap into that shakti life force energy? What if I wanted to give back that power to my ancestors and myself in this lifetime?

What if, before this lifetime, I chose to come here feeling clumsy in sports and athletics? What if I chose to have dance appear more passionately later in my life to teach me body awareness and stop taking my body for granted? What if I chose this contrast before I came here in order to better empower the children I would end up teaching?

What if, before I came into this life, I chose to have dance move me out of a comparison trap and into celebrating my own movements, with my own rhythm? What if, before this lifetime, I chose Dance to be this teacher’s greatest teacher?

What if, before this lifetime, I chose to get MS in order to appreciate the workings of the body and all its parts, to teach me how to set healthy boundaries, and to understand that my body wanted to be heard? What if I chose to have my body go numb in order to make me slow down, go inward, and listen to my needs instead of being pulled in so many directions by others’ voices?

What if, before I came here, I chose to have to leave my teaching job and a career I loved in order to learn who I am without my profession? What if I came here to learn that I am not my job?

What if, before coming into this life, it was preplanned that I would live in an apartment that had toxic mold in it, and to have to get rid of all my stuff in order to have an ultimate lesson in letting go? What if it was already decided that one of the lessons I would learn would be that home is not a place, but a state of mind, comfort, and safety? That even without my things, I could survive, and restart my life with more intention?

What if it was already decided that I would have landlords who would disregard my safety while I was in their unhealthy environment so I could finally stand up for my beliefs, trust in what I was feeling, and sit into my inner knowing, despite their lack of compassion?

What if I chose all of this before I came here to form a deep relationship with my intuition, and to put an end to self-doubt? What if I chose this before I came here to break the old ancestral patterns of women being punished for speaking their truth, for sharing their insights, and for using their emotions as guidance?

What if, before I came into this life, it was already decided that I would experience more mobility issues as a result of what I went through so that I could understand the importance of self acceptance, while also persist with healing? What if I chose to learn that I am so much more than a body, and to continue to embody the lesson of unconditional love that my mom taught me? What if I chose this before I came here to make sure my mom’s endless love would live on and that I would love more deeply?

What if my previous relationships that seem to have “not worked out” actually have gone exactly as planned, as I planned, before coming into this life? What if they are all leading me to the true love I desire? What if I needed to take all this time to find love for myself first? What if that was the only real way I would ensure I’d attract someone who would also be at that same level of love and would give me nothing less than that back?

What if I chose to wait this long for the right partner because I chose to GET to have that much time to partner with myself first? To become such a more evolved partner in love that I could never fall back into my old patterns?

What if we were, and are, THAT clever? What if we designed our lives precisely in the way that we wanted to in order to learn the lessons we chose for this lifetime? What if the life we are living is not a result of something that is happening against us, but all the things that are in line with our deepest soul desires? How differently would we live and love and dance and appreciate our experiences?

How much peace, trust, support, hope, assurance, courage and wisdom would I feel knowing I am right on track, that nothing went wrong, that nothing is going wrong, that there is nothing to fear?

How much jealousy, fear, and scarcity mindset conditioning could I release having this new perspective? How much anger, confusion and judgment of others would I let go of knowing that each of us made and continue to make our own choices, following our own preplanned paths? That though others on the outside might not understand those choices, we each have a right to follow what we came here to do?

How much more space would I allow within me to create and flow? To get curious and open up, instead of shut down and give up? How much lighter, kinder and freer would I move within and outside this space? This space me and the universe co-created?

How much less would I worry over a blank page, canvas or blog post, knowing that its final product may have already been worked out before this lifetime? That my only job is to just let it come through me. To trust that the timing of its completion is exactly as it was planned, by me. That we have been the architects, choreographers, and conductors of our lives all along. We need only let the artistry take shape so we can marvel at our own masterpiece.

What if we chose all this before we came here?